The Affordable CAR Act

David Rufful

Co-founder of Young Conservatives. Graduate of Dartmouth College. Read more

Satire written by S. Soloman:

The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable CAR Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new car by April, 2014.

These ‘affordable’ cars will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, tags, registration, fuel, maintenance, or repair costs.

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase cars. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ car of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new car. If you purchase your car before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ tires (does not include mounting).

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable car,’ the cost of owning a car will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their car will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents car(s) to drive until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own car.

If you already have a car, you can keep yours (not really). If you don’t want or don’t need a car, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable car’ from a private business, you can buy a starter car from the U. S. government ‘affordable car exchange.’ Such a car will have the basic necessities and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar car purchased from a private business. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a car from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable car exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a good deal.

Failure to use the car will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to roads are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, nor lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your car.

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your car, along with how many people can ride in your car. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their car, and will also decide if your car has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories like spinning rims or a newer and more expensive car.

Those that can afford luxury cars will be required to do so … it’s only fair. The government will also decide the color for each car. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a car, they and their families can obtain cars free at the expense of tax payers. This includes lifetime maintenance and automatic adjustments for fuel charges.

Unions, bankers, and mega companies with large political affiliations are also exempt.

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  • texasgirl46

    That’s funny……..I like.

  • ccheleen

    Oh my God, this is so great.

  • TiredOfLies

    Comparing health insurance to a car is just ridiculous. Whether they know it or not, everyone needs health insurance. Not having it can bankrupt people, and then society pays anyway. The Affordable Care Act is important for the law of large numbers to help spread the cost to provide care for those who are sick. Maybe some should consider the benefits rather than just spreading scare tactics.

    • ?peoplewhogiveuprights

      just thought id say though we live in a country built on personal freedoms and this inhibits my right to choose and also will possibly over time allow all the health insurance companies the ability to raise the prices as much as they want and as long as its still is somewhat close to what their rivals are then we will be forced to pay not given the freedom of choice

      • Kevin

        Its a country of business not personal freedoms

    • ?peoplewhogiveuprights

      just thought id say though we live in a country built on personal freedoms and this inhibits my right to choose and also will possibly over time allow all the health insurance companies the ability to raise the prices as much as they want and as long as its still is somewhat close to what their rivals are then we will be forced to pay not given the freedom of choice

    • Emily

      Just because YOU need healthcare, does not mean “everyone” does.Some people prefer their own medicines, and refuse modern medicine. What does it matter to you if they die that way? I don’t even use Advil….

    • redAvenger

      tired of lies<<<<—– you are a dumbass liberal, gawd does ur momma still wipe your butt for you.

    • Ashrenee84

      Why should we “help spread the cost?”. Working and having health insurance is what responsible adults do. IF you don’t want it, you should be the one to cover the outrageous costs when you get sick. I shouldn’t have to suffer and barely scrape by financially to be able to afford this ridiculous “Affordable Care” for you and everyone else who refuses to take responsibilities for themselves.

    • carpengui

      Please explain, then, how come the Government’s All New Shiny Affordable health care plans cost so much more than those from the private sector – the plans that existed BEFORE the Democrats got involved, that is. And that was WITHOUT the young and healthy being on the rolls – those you claim have to be present to keep the costs spread around.

    • Grace

      We the people should be able to choose our own health care. Neither you nor the government KNOWS what we need or want. Furthermore, what you are calling “scare tactics” are actually facts that you liberal kool-aid drinkers haven’t even considered, such as doctors are and will continue to drop out because they cannot afford to be paid pennies on the dollar for their services. When that happens, people will have a long wait for medical care due to the doctor shortage. Also, young healthy people are needed to enroll in the ACA and pay exorbitant rates in order for this plan to work for everyone. That just isn’t fair nor is it going to happen!

    • deanmay

      Everyone needs health insurance? My family has been without health insurance since 1987. During that time my income has ranged from below poverty level to lower middle class, and we’ve raised 11 children. Nobody needs health insurance, they need to be smart about food choices and learn to think outside the box when medical emergencies arise- and we did have some.

  • Pie

    Unfortunate thing is based on the rational the government gave for mandating people to purchase health insurance would make a law like this legal. The government claimed through the Commerce Clause they can regulate the Health Industry because at some point in their lives, everyone participates in the market for health care. By that logic, everyone also participates in the market for transportation in some facet (walking, cycling, public transportation, cars, planes, etc) so can the government make us bur a car? Because, after all they know what’s better for us, better than we do, right?

  • redAvenger

    WHoa! wait a minute………… That is EXACTLY the wording on the 0bumacare act if you substitute medical for automobile. Wow, I can see the libs having orgasms about getting a 0bummercar for every household even invalids will buy a car, this is just wonderful nirvana.

  • Charles Purvis

    Blind? No excuse. Buy an affordable car or face the music.

  • Oak Tree Lady

    This was funnier as “The Affordable Boat Act.” Please change it back. Thank you.

  • Eddie frOly

    Absolutely awesome! How could 21 idiots say that it was a fail? This was totally hilarious.

  • Conner

    What a one sided piece of work…lets not forget about the side where if people were dropped from buying car because of a pre-existing condition or because they discovered they were dianosed with cancer so they were dropped. Author seems to fail to leave that out. Author also used numbers and things that are false or not even included in the obamacare. Like government officials being exempt and using tax money to buy it. They are exempt because of the company size. Many places are exempt. I can also promise you my insurance isn’t payed for by tax money. It was cute and all, but it was totally bias and geared to incite trolling.

  • Arizona Rezident

    you forgot the part where you can’t keep the car you like because the government has determined it is worthless and no good, and therefore you need to be grateful the government is forcing you to get rid of what you though was a perfectly good car